Explicit Expertise

I have a dream, friends. More than one, actually. They occur with some regularity. Like last night I had a dream I was arranging to spend some time with a lovely lady because I’m lonely (even subconsciously, apparently), but last second she contacted me to call the whole thing off. It wasn’t until I woke up that I realized the lady wasn’t a lady, but was actually Ryan Reynolds which makes more sense to me than I’m comfortable with. But that was one of my dreams.

Another one of my dreams is that people will read this blog. Maybe all my friends will start reading it, and then one day their friends, and then one day it’ll be one of those blogs everyone’s always talking about. It’ll even be trending on things somewhere or something. People in places will tell each other: “Hey did you catch the Tuesday update of K.I.D. Chronicle? It was…pretty borderline adequate, admittedly. Tuesday’s aren’t a strong day for him. But it was still marginally more gratifying than updating my Facebook profile for the 8th time today.” And then they’ll send snapchats of their butts to each other, or whatever it is kids are doing these days.

And you know what? People are reading this blog! According to Google’s fancy pants traffic tracking system, thirty something people read the last entry, or at the very least looked at the pretty pictures for a second. That’s roughly thirty something more people than I expected. And that is rad. Rad, I tell you. My hope is that, through continued entries, I will continue to hone my craft, and you will continue to read. Throughout the process, I promise to you to maintain a strong commitment to quality and integrity. I will adhere to both professionalism and a strong moral compass and I guarantee to keep it classy. That being said, let’s talk about pornography.

Yes, again. Why not?

What? Oh, with the judgement and the upward turned noses! Take off your monocle. Stay awhile. Do you know where you are? This is the internet, Bucko. We might not even be here if it weren’t for porn industry, and or, people’s insatiable desire to have free and easy access to viewing naked folks. Pornography is frighteningly influential when it comes to technological innovation.

Do you remember the VCR? The VCR played video cassette tapes which were kinda like DVDs except that they didn’t skip when you looked at them too hard. VHS was a big deal because, for the first time, consumers could record and re watch television programs, purchase or rent movies and view them from the comfort of their own home, and pirate the ever loving shit out of the film industry. Oh, and also you could watch porn on it. Meanwhile, VHS had a rival in Betamax, and they had themselves a nice little format war akin to the Blue-ray VS HD-DVD skirmish that none of us cared about. The technologically superior Betamax took the moral high ground and didn’t allow pornographic content. VHS, being the cool, slightly uncomfortable uncle who let you smoke cigarettes, was down. Guess which one won?

Fast forward to the present, and the land of the ubiquitous digital dong, and we’ve got Google trying to put Google Glass in the hands of consumers. Google Glass is wearable tech that you attach to your face and act like you aren’t now the weirdest person in the room. In that link, you’ll find grown adults talking to themselves as they go about the day and staring off into space as they interact with floating icons, and these people have the audacity to not be insane. Glass isn’t even for sale yet, and you know how long it took before people found a way to put boobies on that thing? Zeroty seconds. Zeroty is a number with a value between: zero, and: not even a little bit. Scientists use it to measure sound waves in the vacuum of space, flight migration of turtles, and the entertainment value of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

The statistics on online porno are staggering. It’s so ubiquitous that hitting the net and not ending up on a porn site is like confining yourself to a block in a city. No, let’s be real, it’s like confining yourself to an apartment building. Okay, okay, it’s like confining yourself to a single unit in the building, and if you don’t want to stumble upon people doing the nasty you better dead bolt the door. I only venture out in the hallway to run errands, but I’m always back in a few minutes so it’s not a big deal.

Almost half of the total people who use the internet to browse sites like youtube, are also using it to browse whatever their favorite version of youporn is. Which is probably youporn. Half. That’s a big number. Do you have two parents? One of ’em loves the naughty sites. Just loves it. And what if it’s not your dad? WHAT if it’s NOT your DAD?!

Most folks probably aren’t very selective about watching strangers simulate sex with each other by having actual sex with each other which, as an act, is pretty paradoxical. That’s gotta be one of the greatest conundrums of our time. That’s like eating a doughnut by licking off all the frosting, breaking up what’s left into pieces, then letting that sit on your tongue until it dissolves. No one’s gonna argue that you’re not eating it, but we all know that’s not how goes down. When I lived in Philly, I worked for a sandwich shop and I delivered subs. Foot long meat subs. No one even so much as winked at me about it, and I never even thought about it until I mentioned it right now in a blog five years later.

But like I said, most people probably aren’t that selective. I know I haven’t been while I’ve done the years of research that led up to this piece. I’m lucky that way. I don’t need much. A woman, sure. And she doesn’t even have to be naked, honestly. It doesn’t even have to be pornographic. I don’t think it was any mystery around the house growing up why my mom’s Victoria’s Secret catalogs were always disappearing. The only mystery in my mind is why she kept renewing the subscription, and I don’t wanna know the answer. But some people have “needs”. And I’m not one to judge, but damn it if their needs don’t get in the way. And that’s why online porn is so weird.

While browsing any random selection of videos, for research purposes of course, I will inevitably, inadvertently, stumble across a whole spectrum of human depravity that makes me want to immediately take a shower in holy water and dry off with something really coarse. Maybe fire? This all makes for a pretty harrowing experience for a person. They signed on for one thing and they may end up getting an exact opposite that’s way more effective than any cold shower will ever be.

Someone I know recently made me aware of the genre “girl friendly” which is pretty okay. It seems to steer clear from the vibe of most of the other stuff which tends to have the look and feel of: hey come here and let me masturbate in your vagina. Which is about as appealing to me as it likely sounds to you. Now, I consider myself a feminist and you probably do too, but just don’t know it yet. I’m comfortable with my sexuality and also my masculinity, and don’t think I was born holding an action figure instead of a Barbie doll which made me a man. That’s why I can tell you things like, “I love watching figuring skating” in complete earnest like it ain’t no thang. Not everyone would concur with my deduction concerning said thang status here, but fuck them: figure skating is awesome! Figuring skating involves gliding on a friction-less surface at insane speeds that a human is simply not meant to go, flipping and spinning through the air, often with a partner, with metal blades attached to your feet. They can, and often do, fall and smash their frail bodies against the rock hard ground, then they get right back up and do it again. Figure skating is the shitness, and I’ll fight anyone who says different. With fervent debate, of course. I’m not a barbarian. Unlike figure skaters.

Olympics: Figure Skating-Pairs Free Skating
“Ice Dance of Death” is a more accurate name for this sport

Comfortable with myself that I may be, if I’m sitting around talking with a group of dudes and if we starting talking about porn (which happens more often than it should) and they end up asking me what I’m in to (which happens way more often than it should), am I really supposed look him square in the eyes, stone faced, and deadpan, “girl friendly”? Just go ahead and lay that bomb right on his face while I watch him and his blank expression try to figure out what the hell that is knowing that he’ll only be able to come up with answers that are inaccurate, offensive, annoying, or the perfect trifecta of all three?  Is that really what I’m supposed to do? Then end up having to give a crash course lecture on sexism, patriarchy, and male privilege to these guys for the next fifty minutes, while trying to convince them that figure skating is boss, and that we should all get on board? And I don’t even like that guy. He’s pretty much the worst thing ever. He’ll never understand figure skating.

No. I won’t do it. That’s why the next time one of “the fellas” asks me, I’m gonna lie and tell him, “marionette porn”. The room will go quiet and in between sips of beer I’ll say, “Yeah, you know, wooden figurine stuff. Full on puppet on puppet.” If they ask follow up questions, I’ll redirect them to the sex scene in Team America: World Police, and that will shut them right the hell up. I’m going to say marionette porn so they leave me the hell alone and never ask me again. Either that or they’ll stop hanging out with me, and I’ll be forced to find new friends.

So it’s a win-win.


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